The Highest Level...The Cream of the Crop...The Bee's Knees...

For those of you who don't know, in high school I competed in the National Christian Forensics and Communication Association speech and debate league. Every two weeks during the second half of the school year I would don a suit and drive with my family to a random location about the country (I believe determined by throwing debate pens at a map of churches in America) to compete in speech events and debate. After graduating, I'm no longer eligible to compete, which means that I am allowed to judge the events, and in fact since judges are always in demand I really couldn't politely have not come to judge, had I even wanted to miss the *drumroll, trumpets, and acapella choir of triumph* The 2010 NCFCA National Championship Tournament at Regent University in Virginia Beach Virginia Boy Do We Need To Shorten The Name!

To those students I know who competed and those who will compete next year I have just one thing to say: HA! HA! and again HA! I don't have to wear a suit to these things anymore. I can bask in my casualness and snigger at the suffering of the formalwear masses.

Ahem... now that I've fulfilled a lifelong wish...

Tuesday morning I hopped in the car and popped in an audiobook chronicling the journey of a writer down China's version of Route 66 for the four hour drive to Regent University for the tournament. Along the way I followed the instructions of Lady Tom-Tom (our GPS), and only killed a smattering of pedestrians. I did notice several people I'm sure had to take the Sticker-Man's Oath, though, from the number of bumper stickers they were sporting. Four hours and several thousand miles down China Road later, I arrived at Regent, only to get lost in the parking lot. Oops.

I walked over to Robertson Hall, which was to become my home for most of the week, as it was Judge HQ and also home to the much-coveted Judge Hospitality Table, aka the Cornucopia of Plenty. Mom met me at the door and helped me get what I needed to do figured out. I checked in, grabbed a nametag, and went over to Judge Orientation. Here they told me how to judge both debate and speech, which I knew how to do already but it's a requirement to make sure that everyone judges according to the rules. I then got the dreaded "Alumni Orientation" which includes a list of do's and don'ts. Here's a few examples:

1. Do not doodle on your judging sheet. (Someone once doodled a guillotine and didn't think this would bother the debaters.)

2. Do not be overly critical or mean.

3. Do not ask out the high schoolers. (Apparently cradle-robbing by college students is a problem? I'd have thought there were enough members of the opposite gender in their schools.)

After a stern warning that asking a girl out solely on her ability to convince me of the need for change in our current coal ash disposal policies was a bad idea, I headed out to try and judge my first round, only to be pulled aside for an alumni skit meeting. Each year at the mid-tournament banquet where the competitors advancing to outrounds (debate octofinals and speech semifinals) are announced, that year's chosen Alumni Players present a skit for amusement and to stall so that the tabulation team has more time to put all the results together.

This year I had been allowed to join the group, which has to have been one of the best groups of alumni we've ever had in terms of the quality of the people I met through it, at least. I got to play an Avatar from the movie in the second bit (making fun of policy debate) and an "Extemporaneous Speaking Biathlon" competitor in the third bit. We worked on the skit for about an hour, during which I consider to have actually met Mr. Mike Larimer, president of the league.

I'd met Mr. Larimer before when I was competing, but I count this time as the first time I met the real him. Mr. Larimer has long been famed as the mustache-sporting man who encourages, congratulates, and warns the competitors at Nats (as nationals is called) not to get too big a head before announcing who advanced or who won events. However, I got a glimpse behind the mustache this time around and met the hilarious, somewhat goofy man that lives behind it. After entertaining us with his impression of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, Mr. Larimer helped us with some of the script writing for the skit, and then, unable to ignore the buzzing in his phone telling him to go to a meeting any longer, he bid us farewell.

After the scriptwriting session, I grabbed some dinner from the Cornucopia and went over to the ballot table, where judges are assigned to rounds after assuring they don't know any of the competitors personally and haven't competed against them before, to avoid bias. I was assigned to help judge the second round of persuasive speaking. I heard eight speeches, ranging in topics from the church's need to love homosexuals to the right of citizens to own handguns. Then, after all the speakers were finished, I had to rank them 1-8 and give comments and constructive criticism on my ballots. *gulp*. After poring over the notes I'd taken and remembering the speeches, I finally finished and took the pack over to Ballot Check, where staffers make sure I haven't accidentally ranked 3 people first, or written "DIE DIE DIE" on any of my ballots. Unfortunately they did find one problem with my ballots, in that I'd forgotten to write my name on them. Oops again.

After a good night's sleep on a pull out sofa back at the hotel, I headed back to the tournament Wednesday morning. Immediately I was placed as the judge in a Lincoln-Douglas debate round. By way of explanation, LD debate is a debate between two speakers, who are each given an allotment of speaking time divided into 2 speeches for the "Affirmative" team and 3 for the "Negative" team. The Affirmative team attempts to prove the statement "Competition is superior to Cooperation in the pursuit of Excellence" (or whatever that year's topic is) true, and the Negative speaker tries to disprove it. I got to judge two very charismatic guys named Isaac Somers and Kasey Leandry. After 45 minutes, I still hadn't picked a winner, and had to go back to the judge room and puzzle until I could figure out whose arguments were most compelling. If this paragraph has convinced you that I am a colossal nerd, you're probably right.

I took the following speech round off from judging and caught up with a lot of old friends from my time in NCFCA, including Matt Silver, a fellow alumni, and a bunch of current competitors. After that I was plunged into another LD round, followed by a lunch break and a round of Impromptu speaking, where speakers get a topic two minutes before they have to give a five minute speech on it. After that I headed over to the banquet hall to help prep for the alumni skit that night. We built props, practiced lines, marveled at the fanciness of the dining hall, and made some last-minute logistical plans. Then, the banquet hall began to fill as competitors and parents made their way in. At this point two of the banquet hall staff struck up a conversation with me about homeschooling and our league, and this carried on for about 45 minutes until the banquet began. I was pleased with the interest and my chance to dispel some common myths about homeschooling (i.e. we're all introverted loners who live secluded lives) as well as meet some great people.

The banquet itself was far better than any banquet we've had thus far. Cesar salad, broiled chicken over a rice pilaf with beans, and chocolate raspberry cake. The wait staff were very attentive and made sure my water glass never ran out, resulting in a pressing need to visit the men's room two minutes before we were scheduled to perform. Oops part 3. Fortunately I wasn't the only one and we were able to sneak out and get back before our start time. Overall the skit went very well, and I was pleased with it. Mr. Larimer arrived at the end and we had the pleasure of introducing him and his package of names who would be advancing. Again the man behind the mustache emerged, and he was heard to comment on how boring his bio was, and when identified as "the man in the suit right there" promptly removed his coat and feigned ignorance.

Thursday I returned to judging, though this time I got a chance to judge a Team Policy round, which is similar to LD, but it's twice as long, each team has 2 speakers, and they were trying to convince me that the U.S. Environmental Policy should/shouldn't be changed. After that I hung out for a while and took a few rounds off before returning to judge LD Quarterfinals later on. While waiting for the announcements at the end of the day, I found a bunch of students playing "ninja" and joined in, having learned the game at Covenant. It was fun, but after being accidentally punched in a sensitive region, I retired to chat with some friends. Later that night, a group of us went to the midnight premier of the A-Team movie, which I'm happy to report was the best movie I've seen this summer.

Friday, the final day I judged Team Policy Semifinals in the morning and then signed on for speech finals. I was assigned Duo Interpretation, which is essentially a two man show with no props, eye contact, or physical interaction between the speakers allowed. Little did I know this was being held in Regent's theater auditorium, which was massive and packed with students watching the final round in this popular event. It was rather intimidating, especially since all I could think to write on the ballots was "That was amazing!" for almost every speech. I saw a rendition of Charlie and the Chocolate factory and a ten minute version of West Side Story, which was hard to stay focused on because I kept hearing Justin Johns reading all of Tony's lines. It was very good though.

Friday evening the alumni helped with parts of the final Awards Ceremony. Being backstage in the auditorium made me highly jealous of Regent's theater. Comparing it to Sanderson was like comparing your old, faithful pickup truck with a shiny, yet useless Lamborghini. I took solace in the face that Regent's backstage, though impressive, had a sterile feel to it that (to me) meant that the actors couldn't possibly be permitted to have fun while in it. Yes...that's what I told myself....

We presented a box full of thank-you cards to Mr. Larimer on stage and then stood in the staging area to congratulate the winners in the various events. Several of my good friends did extremely well, including Jay Reid, who took 7th place in Humorous Interpretation, Susanna Sewall, who did well in something but the cheering was too loud for me to hear what it was (oops pt. 4), and Ellie Lewis, my former Duo Interp partner, who took 2nd place in Thematic Interpretation. Congrats guys! And congrats to everyone else I know who won and I didn't hear! (oops pts. subjective to the number of applicants)

After the awards ceremony I helped distribute the packets of judge ballots, which had been arranged so that each competitor had an envelope containing every ballot from every round and every judge who had seen their speeches/debates. I had the box of ballots with the names from M-N in it, and I just have to say to you M-N'ers out there: You let me down!! I had way more ballot packs left over than anybody else. What gives guys? ;)

That night Region 9 (competitors from Maryland, Virginia, and ostensibly Delaware, although Delaware NCFCA'rs have utterly failed to exist) headed to Fuddrucker's to spend the night eating burgers, drinking milkshakes, and generally partying. During the night I: ate buffalo, swapped stories with lots of old friends, busted several guts laughing, was called a fish by Zach Voell, reinstated as a Bozo by Suzu, and lamented Levi Payne's covers of several Lady Gaga songs.

Today was the post-nats Region 9 Beach Party. I spent the day playing Ultimate Frisbee, dodging waves, burning the soles of my feet off on the scalding sands of Hell at the top of the beach, absorbing sunlight, and generally having a great time. Tomorrow we drive home, and I return to the job hunt. It's been a good week.

Until next time, adios!

The Most Pointless Crime in the World

What happens when Chinese nerds have too much time on their hands? I'll tell you a bit later on when I get to earlier today, but I don't want to get ahead of myself (besides, if I tell you all of the interesting bits now you'll just stop reading.)

Since we got back from the beach I've gone back to job hunting, still unsuccessfully. I'll keep going, but I'm beginning to think my only choice soon will be falling in with the mafia side of my family and performing contract hits for money. Anybody know where I can get a garroting wire? In all seriousness I have a possibility at Macy's working in sales, but that's starting to dwindle as they still haven't contacted me about the interview they said they wanted. So until then I'll keep looking (oh, and if you need someone disappeared... I'm here.)

Beyond job hunting the first couple of days this week were rather dull. Wednesday I went over to Josh Bernitt's house, where we caught up and played a game about a man in Texas in 1911. Think John Wayne meets the slow-mo action sequences of the Matrix.

Last night I was both in charge o making dinner and in getting my sister to a birthday party. To do so, I had to use the GPS for the first time. It took some getting used to not knowing where I was going until 6 feet before I had to turn, and this wasn't helped by the fact that our GPS system likes to mumble. This does not bode well for my upcoming car trip to VA. More on that later though, first, as I promised, I will explain the Chinese thing. Well, today, after helping my neighbors move most of their possessions into storage (they're moving) I checked my e-mail, and found a strange e-mail from Blizzard Entertainment, telling me that my password for World of Warcraft had been successfully changed.

Now, this was odd both because I had not requested a password change and because my account has been inactive and unpaid for months. I don't play WoW anymore, so this raised alarm bells. Five minutes later, they sent me another e-mail telling me that I'd been suspended for conducting "real world cash for gold" transactions. Que??? I didn't even have the game installed on my computer. Thus, I checked my recent e-mail activity and found that China had been accessing my e-mail account remotely. This led me to one of two conclusions:

a) My old World of Warcraft account is of national importance to the Chinese government.

b) I was the victim of a bunch of nerds from china who wanted to use my account to sell non-existent money to people dumb enough to want to pay for fake money instead of playing the game they pay real money for access to to get it.

I figured the latter was more likely. I changed my password and locked them out, so no harm was done. Basically what happened was that someone in China hacked my e-mail account, sent a password change e-mail to my account, changed my password for WoW, and then started using my characters to sell in-game money for real money to nerds. (or people who own this) The really weird thing is that in order to do this, they had to re-activate my account, which costs money because you buy game time, and as I don't play the game I didn't have any. Instead of using my billing information which was in the account, the Chinese guy paid for it himself. Basically, the only practical result of all of this criminal activity was that he gave me $15 worth of game time for a game I don't have. What a nice hoodlum!

So aside from international nerd crime today's been relaxed. Tuesday I'm heading down to Virginia Beach to help judge at the National Speech and Debate championships for the league I competed in in High School. I learned this morning that I'm also going to be in the Alumni program/skit thing, which basically means that Wednesday night I get to get up in front of a large crowd of assembled homeschoolers with some other league alumni and essentially put on an episode of SNL. Fun!

Until next time, or until some Korean dude hacks my e-mail and starts blogging about his kimchii collection, see ya!